Target: HM Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
I need hardly tell you that you preside over an Empire fuelled by regular intake of fine English tea.
Since George Orwell undertook pioneering research in 1946 we have long been aware that when making tea, adding milk to boiling water is incorrect.
The consequences of this are dire including:
– Changing protein structure.
– Risk of milky ‘skin formation’
– (Worst of all) A blander and less satisfying taste.
It has come to our attention however that certain Heathens, mainly to be found in work canteens, service stations and even, as much as it pains me to admit it, mainstream cafes and restaurants have flouted the painstaking and careful research performed by our English forefathers, resulting in a cloudy and dubious lukewarm concotion unworthy of your great Empire.
We ask that you request and require in the name of your most excellent Majesty that :
– A moratorium is declared on all individual servings of UHT milk and small jugs are provided for all customers in cafes and service stations.
– Members of the public be subjected to regular searches of their homes upon presentation of a written complaint by any Citizen who has been given such an insipid drink (hereafter known as “Devil’s Brew”.
– On the spot fines be issued for the creators of Devil’s Brew and those who knowingly drink it on a sliding scales. Repeated infractions should result in confiscation of all tea-making equipment and suspension of all brewing privileges.
[Your name here]